Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
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Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir