[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
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me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*