[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
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my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron