[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
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Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
This is painfully accurate 😅
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know