[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
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A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
🙂🙃🥹
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
White parent Vs Arab parents
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.