Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
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[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Well, that should do it
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right