“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
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Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.