Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
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I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.