*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
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I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Cats (2019)
I am patiently waiting for your email
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!