“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
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We decided to have money instead of children.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*