Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
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I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
This is why I hate group projects
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
shit, they caught us—run!!!
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!