The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
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People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.