[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
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Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Try and stop me.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few