Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
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*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
I falcon love using swear birds
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.