Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
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My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.