Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
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nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won