My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
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Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
wtf is a larm clock?
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??