*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
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The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
#SaturdayBears
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
me logging onto twitter
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars