Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
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* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
me hooking up with my ex
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever