[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
You Might Also Like
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Its true…
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”