*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
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I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet