*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
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“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets