I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
You Might Also Like
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.