Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
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Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Pot warmers of the day.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move