Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
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Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Meeeee too!
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…