[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
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Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit