Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
You Might Also Like
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
how it started vs how it ended
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”