“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
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Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.