PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
You Might Also Like
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Planet of the Apps.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert