*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
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Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.