[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
You Might Also Like
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”