*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
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Every photo I’m tagged in
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Breaking news:
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.