Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
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Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.