[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
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4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.