16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
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every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist