People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
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Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.