People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
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Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
But wait…
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
nobody’s gonna understand
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards