People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
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It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo