People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
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Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
you gotta be faster
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start