People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
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Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
My dog after a walk in the woods.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒