People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
You Might Also Like
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
buying dead houseplants to save time
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two