People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
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Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Is this a threat?
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York