People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
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I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
cyclists
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now