As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
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Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.