I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
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My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*