People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
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How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Those are good neighbors.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”