People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
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MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…