@mattgallo123: People ask me, "Matt, how do you do it?" , "Matt, what's your secret?" , "Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?"
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@Angibangie: Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I'm just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you're gone because I can't not-live like this!
@jwoodham: Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted "you go girl!" from across the street.
@curlycomedy: The Katy Perry song that goes, "You're hot and you're cold," was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
@daemonic3: Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans