@mattgallo123: People ask me, "Matt, how do you do it?" , "Matt, what's your secret?" , "Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?"
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@TheMichaelRock: Me: Quit talking down to me like I don't know shit about technology! 12yo: Sorry... Me: That's ok. Now fix the router.
@: I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like--it was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
@bazlyons: They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be 'land'
@jonnysun: ME: woud u be open to adoption? HUSBAND: yes [later, at the adoption agency] ME: yes hi, i'd like to put my husband up for adoption