People buying plungers never look happy.
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ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”