People buying plungers never look happy.
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My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials