People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
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The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of